“you want to go on. that’s why you wake up every morning.”

i told my mom i didn’t have it in me to go on. like i don’t have any determination. compared to her story I’m a piece of shit. all she said was “you want to go on. that’s why you wake up every morning.”

i started to feel my throat close. i was choking from the emotion that was building. with one sentence she immediately reminded me why i even exist. she reminded me of my gift. my gift of life. the fact that i can wake up every morning and just start my day - the gift of that. it all made sense. it hit so hard too. she’s so in belief that life is for us to really take advantage of. and I’m so fucking thankful that she’s my mom. cuz for real. i could just be dead but I’m not. I’m here. I’m so alive. I’m so real. I’m so flesh and blood. I’m so spirit and mind. I’m actually abraham. I’m actually here cuz of god. she told me i gotta be here for a reason. you know, she wasn’t even able to have kids. she had an issue with her reproductive organs and her doctor said that she couldn’t get pregnant. then one day she had a dream that she saw me, as a full grown man, as i stand here today. and she went to the doctor and he was shocked to tell her that she was pregnant. miracle baby. like I’m actually a miracle. at least i like to think of it like that. even with the other odds. like how many little sperms could’ve made it rather than me and I’m the one who made it to the finish line. haha.

shit maybe i’ll run as a republican too.

i was talking to nick about this whole thing on identity. it was really interesting. he said it would be pretty boring if you knew exactly who you were, wouldn’t it. like there’s no more mystery to it. there’s no more exploration. you just know. and i feel like i lean on that as my scapegoat for not truly wanting to define myself. because i am a true explorer of life and spirit. i am interested in what my life will become. if i knew who i was, then what? so what happens when i find out that i am supposed to be a transwoman running for president. i achieve that. and then what. i guess i’ll know what when i get there. maybe something else pops up. maybe something else take me down another road. shit maybe i’ll run as a republican too.

i took shrooms in the desert and God told me herself.

i remember my dad asking me if i was gay. i was thrown back. i was like.. wtf you know i fuck bitches. but then i was asked that again by somebody else. and then somebody else. and more people as i’ve gotten older. and it hasn’t ever stopped. its put me so far in to a corner that i constantly have to question my sexuality. like. do they know something i don’t. did you guys discover i was gay before i did? is that possible. am i in denial or something. am i just trying to tell myself im not so i can feel like a “normal person”. like im just trying to put on a front so that people don’t look at me different. so that my ex’s aren’t disappointed or ashamed about going out with me. so that my family doesn’t think of my any different than i already am.. i mean.. shit. maybe i should be gay. im already pretty flamboyant. im already pretty “gay”. i do “gay shit” all the time. i love poppy girl songs. and a lot of times i catch myself guilty of watching a chick flick on tv. but does that mean im gay? what does gay mean to me? like do i only have sex with guys for the rest of my life? what if i don’t want to do that.. i mean.. girls give me boners still.  i ask myself if it was the way i was raised. like have i been trained to be attracted to woman but now my soul is saying. NO MORE. you are now attracted to your same sex. but i don’t necessarily feel like that. i remember i told my mom that i could love teh whole world. there isn’t a divide. some poeple can only love an opposite sex. i don’t feel like that. i could love you, man or woman. what does that mean now? does that mean im somebody nobody fucks with. like im somebody who’s gotta be different now. like wtf i haven’t even hooked up with a guy before but you’ve made me feel like i’ve been doing it for years in secret and now im coming out on this thing. why? because my peers have made me feel like if its not 1 thing than it must be the other. and im over here like YO it doesnt have to be like that. you feel me? like for real, it doesn’t have be like anything they told you, ever. i make up my own rules. i do what i want. i took shrooms in the desert and God told me herself. what now.